This is the exact reason I don’t want to fall for anyone. But I can’t help my feelings, and it leads to this. Being lied to and thinking they loved you the entire time.

I’ve tried numerous times to try to restore what was lost, but nothing would work. I don’t understand what drove you to do something that would completely kill me on the inside. Everything was going great. But just out of the blue, everything changed. I just want you to talk to me. Just a text message. It doesn’t even have to explain what you were thinking, I just want to talk to you. I don’t know how I managed to function without you.

Yet I have no way to explain what I’m feeling and what I want to say to you. All I know is

I miss you.

I hate my body. I hate my family. I hate my thoughts. I hate my friends. I’ve lost sight of who I truly am. I hate my school. I hate my possessions. No one understands. Don’t give me that, “I understand” crap. You don’t. You’ll understand once you’ve spent your whole life being bullied, neglected, and laughed at, and even beaten.

I’ve never met anyone who could have so much hatred towards themselves or others until now…and it’s me.

Neither have you! So you can take you white ass off of my Tumblr so I can eat my spaghetti in peace and cry over never having that experience! In my house there are two rules:

1) I. Eat. IN PEACE.
2) WHY ARE YOU TORMENTING ME. WHAT DID I DO??

I will murder you in your sleep.

I’m just going to post about my experience with the Clovis West Colorguard Audition:

Well first, I met some people in front of the bandroom. I won’t name many people because I don’t even remember half the people I met LOL. Anyway, we get to the cafeteria and had to put away tables from AP Testing. Since I’m one of the first boys ever to audition for the guard at Clovis West, all the girls were more than excited to meet me. 

We had the casual stretching block/across the floors. Many of the girls said I was a good dancer. Look at them! They’re just as amazing, most likely better! I feel like they’re just being nice for now xD hahaha. Anyways, this is where I started getting nervous. There were three instructors. I didn’t formally meet any of them, and none of the three were critiquing me on my technique or the counts or anything. Usually instructors say something, but I didn’t get any response. All the girls said that’s more than a good thing because if they can’t find anything to critique, they say nothing! My thoughts were, “Anthony, they’re not saying anything because you’re horrible!!” LOLOL. 

At the break, I finally met the other juniors. And even better, I’m actually going to be friends with upperclassmen!!:D Having underclassmen as close friends isn’t a bad thing, I just would like to be with people my age, you know? I don’t know if that’s rude, I’m just usually the youngest in my group of friends, and I like to keep it that way:P haha!

Finally, we started the flag block. THAT’S WHEN THE INSTRUCTOR FINALLY CRITIQUED ME!!!:DShe fixed my most common problem when I release, and my tosses are finally normal! Many of my new guard girl friends saw that she said something to me and were all like, “Are you happy that she finally said something to you??” And of course I was:3

When we had to finish up, we had to set tables again, and that’s when they finally got to know me better, and I got to know the program better. I can officially audition without the silly rumors about the guard that boys can’t audition. And I finally get to be myself, as if I was always there.

Clovis West, you are my last school I spend high school at. Give me every challenge possible

I honestly have no idea what to say. I thought I was going to be like any other average high school student: Follow their brother and sister and graduate from the same school they did. No. I’m different. One year ago today was the exact day I started packing things to move. Last year, I was devastated. I had to leave my best friends behind, and start from the bottom again. During the summer, I was lucky enough to get invited to parties and make friends. I thought I was going to graduate with the friends I made. Now, I have to repeat this process again. I have to pack again, and transfer schools. The twist? I’m going to finish my senior year at a high school where I don’t know anyone. I’m going to feel like a freshman, lost, wandering around campus searching for my classes and attempts at making friends. Hopefully the band program will make me social. 

Many people are lucky. They grow up with friends, and graduate with them. Some even go to the same college. Not me; I have to constantly move around and being the shy person I am, it’s very difficult to make friends. 

21 school days until school is out. That means 21 days to make the most of what I have. Let’s go c/o 2014